My Journey

More About Me

♥ Love is Free ♥

I am on an ongoing - often terrifying - process of growth, learning and insight. My friends and family are my life (literally life savers) and I am blessed to be here and still living.

I am recovered from long term struggles with Anorexia, self-harm, suicidal ideation/attempts, mood disorders, & countless hospitalisations. 
I am now walking the path of an AA 12 Step program & life beyond addiction.
I am living proof that recovery exists & that there is life beyond dis-ease.

Life has found its meaning for me, yet again. And I am just blessed to have my health, a full heart of love, and a life I am loving to live...

Paulo Coelho writes:

"Dreamers cannot be tamed"


"To follow a spiritual path you need :

a] to be able to dare 

b] to be able to laugh"

"The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in your heart"

♥ Fall in love or fall in hate. 
Get inspired or be depressed. 
Make babies or make art. 
Speak the truth or lie and cheat. 
Dance on tables or sit in the corner. 
Life is devine chaos. 
Embrace it. 
Forgive yourself. 
And enjoy the ride ♥


I consider my self a free spirit.
I am no wall flower.
General chatterbox.

I don't understand the word no.
I still have tantrums.
I am loud, at times uncontrollable.
I cry too much.
Dream too much.
And have the worst concentration.

But, I am deeply passionate.
Intensely loyal.
And have a heart that is soft and squishy and far too easily hurt.

I own a library of books, and dream of the day I can literally, have one of those old fashioned rooms, with books up to the ceiling, where my kids can discover, learn, love and feel inspired by the written word. I fall up stairs, trip over cordless phones and fall in love far too easily.

I am a post-graduate student, who having graduated with a degree in Communication in Culture and Media, decided to follow a career in Clinical Psychology.

When I finished my graduate study, I was meant to go on to study for my Doctorate. I had, & of course still do, an intense desire to help others, and I run and facilitate an eating disorder self-help group. This is now a closed group where many of those have gone on to recover themselves.

However, as is life, my path changed & I am now a full time writer & poet working on a book due for release in 2016 & completing an MA in Creative Writing. I self published "Wanderlust" in 2014.
I am also learning Italian! Much of my time is given to service within AA & I spend my time between the UK & France.


My Journey
In May I turned 34 & I always reflect on this piece of writing, I wrote on my birthday a few years ago.

"As the daffodils and crocus came into bloom here, and the red delightful poppies begin to fill the fields close to my parents home in France, I am reminded, that spring is coming. 
The nights are lighter, the sun shines a little more, and I remember, I remember the symbolism of spring. 
The joy my mother felt as her small bundle arrived in the world only two days after her own birthday.
There is something about the spring, that brings me hope.
There are lots of things that bring me hope, and that hope has only grown and flourished over the years.
I remember, back in 2002, one Autumn morning, the rain fell.
It splashed on my face and the puddles that formed on the floor, squelched in my shoes.
I turned my head up to the sky, and I thanked the universe for this gift.
The gift of life."

I was a dancer from the tender age of two.
I loved ballet, I loved dancing, and I loved my first tutu. 
By the time I was six, I was always taking classes as a gymnast.
I remember my first audition, to see if I was good enough to join the club.
I remember being told I was "good enough."
I also remember, at the age of seven, being asked to choose...
Ballet or gymnastics.
I chose the latter.
I was a competitive gymnast until I was 13.
It was a decision to leave that shocked many, and one many thought I would go back on.
And that is the girl.
A decision made, a choice made, and I stick with it.

I have made lots of decisions in my life like this.
My gymnastics being one.
Becoming vegetarian being another.
Recovering... and that one being one of the most powerful choices I have ever made.

So where did it start?

I got sick in the summer of 2000.
I actually don't remember large amounts that year. It is all confused and distorted, I am sure, but the memories are there.
Anorexia crept up on me like a stranger in the dark.
There were no warnings, no rustles in the background, no nagging doubts, no warnings.
If I were to describe how it caught me, I would connect it to a kidnapping in broad daylight which goes unseen.
Everyone was around, the stranger taking me was known by all, and yet I was taken, hand over mouth, and placed in a dark and empty cave.

I disappeared from view, and would not be found until many years later.
I began to emerge from sickness, initially in 2002, and then I was hidden again.
I was there, a physical presence. Despite being mute, I was seen.
And people would call my name, and I wouldn't look around because I didn't know I was still me.

In 2004, the true me began to emerge.
As I recovered and healed, I grew and evolved.
And although I wasn't the same self, as premorbidity, I was there.

It took some getting used to.
I remember wondering if I could go back to who I was, and it took a number of years to realise that who I was, would never come back.
Because we can never be who we were.

So, in 1999, after the trauma and the pain, I delved into an unknown land.
I stayed there for quite some time.
Some days I felt that is was all I would ever know.
I was even told it would be all I would know.
But I don't want this story to be what could have been, or would have been, I want it to be about what it has been.

It has been about suffering with Anorexia, and self-injury, and mood disorders, and suicide attempts, and hospital treatment, and endless medications, and dissociation and hallucinations, and psychotic episodes...

Yet, through all of this, the real authentic me has emerged.
A recovered and joyful soul.
Who is very much in love, very much inspired, and very much free.

"People spend their whole lives trying to live up to other people’s expectations, and being told what to do. I say, screw that. Be Free. Do what you want.
Go where you want and reach for the sky, because life has no limits or boundaries. 
Boundaries are just other people’s fears. 
And limits are other people’s expectations. 
You only get one chance to do all the things that life has to offer you. 
Have no enemies, no regrets, no fears and then you really have lived life." 


And now the journey for a new chapter begins...
A new me, a more evolved me, & a me going through a journey of sobriety & a life way beyond all of this.
I got sober on May 8th 2014, & this is just the start of a lifelong adventure.